Andy Rooney could never be a fisherman. He needs things to be too orderly. He needs things to make sense.

Take, for instance, the common occurrence of the fish biting the week before you arrived on vacation. "Should have been here last week," the guide tells you. "We limited out every day. Bite’s been a might slow last coupl’a days."

True fishermen know this is one of the undeniable truths of fishing. It’s accepted, normal, almost anticipated. Andy Rooney would question, "If the fish are always biting better the week before you get there, why don’t you go a week earlier?"

Imagine the monologue Rooney would have after visiting a tackle shop:

"I went into a fishing store the other day to buy a lure so I could go fishing. There were hundreds of different lures from which to choose. How is an angler supposed to know which one to buy? So I asked a salesman, "Which lure should I buy to catch a fish?" "What kind of fish?" the salesman asked back.

"A big one." I said. "I’ve heard fishermen always want to catch big fish."

"Like a musky?" the clerk asked.

It’s probably bad enough to catch a fish which smells like a fish. A fish named MUSKY must smell worse than a fish.

"No, I don’t want to catch a musky," I said.

"A salmon?" asked the clerk. "Salmon are big."

"That’s it, I said. "I want to catch a salmon. What’s a good salmon lure to buy?"

"Are you going to fly-fish?" asked the clerk.

"No, I’m going to salmon fish." I answered, thinking this guy must have been hired through some government program.

"I mean are you going to fish with a fly rod?" he asked. "No, I figured I’d use a fishing rod. You do have lures to use with fishing rods, don’t you?" I queried.

The clerk began to look somewhat exasperated. "Do you want a spoon or a plug?"

Now I was beginning to get exasperated, myself. "I don’t need silverware. I don’t need plumbing supplies. I want a lure to catch a big salmon. There are hundreds of lures here. Which one will catch a big salmon?"

"These will do it," the clerk said over his shoulder as he led me down the isle to a display with dozens of multi-colored, hook adorned, minnow shaped lures.

"Now we are getting someplace," I thought to myself.

"What color would you like?" asked the salesman.

There were red ones, green ones, blue, silver, purple, black and multi-colored.

"What is a good color?" I asked.

"Sometimes this is a good color," the clerk said as he pointed to a lure which was painted to look just like a minnow. Big fish like to eat little fish. Anyone who has ever watched the Discovery Channel knows that; but before I could give the nod to the imitation minnow the clerk continued, "Sometimes this bright chartreuse colored one is all they’ll strike."

"Really?" I said. "Are there lots of bright chartreuse little fish the salmon are used to eating?"

"Not that I know of," answered the clerk.

"Why do salmon bite bright chartreuse painted lures?" I quizzed.

"Dunno," mumbled the clerk. "Look, there are other customers. Do you want to buy a lure or not and if so pick one, please."

I reached for the one which looked like a minnow while watching the clerk’s eyes. They flickered to the ceiling as I paused my reach. I switched to the bright chartreuse one and noticed a slight grin of acceptance. I took the gaudy colored minnow to the cash register.

Another customer was there just ahead of me, a musky fisherman, I guessed, from the smell of him.

He glanced at the lure in my hand. "Goin’ salmon fishing, eh?" he asked.

I nodded politely, trying to keep my distance.

"Should have been here last week," he told me. "We limited out every day. Bite’s been a might slow last coupl’a days."

Please stash your trash!!!

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